SHADOWS OF DESTINY - Season 3 Episode 18

~Susan~

I woke up early in the morning and decided I would get a glass of milk. I shouldn’t have ingested that

much alcohol now I was feeling sick.

I left my room and headed towards the kitchen when I found Devin on the couch, attending to the

documents he had left there.

I didn’t know whether to speak to him or just get the glass of milk and leave.

“Couldn’t sleep?” he asked me, breaking the ice, and I nodded.

“Shouldn’t have drank so much gin,” I said, and he looked at me a bit worried.

“I am fine, I just wanted to sleep, and it helped, but I guess it was temporary,” I said, and he nodded,

then put down the file in his hand.

He got up and walked up to me.

I stood frozen on the spot.

I wanted to step back, but there was no need. He had done nothing to me.

Devin reached for my face and wiped something away from my cheek.

I was embarrassed because it meant I had drooled while sleeping.

“Hungry?’ he asked me gently with a smile, and I stood frozen.

I couldn’t handle the formality and the friendly treatment. He used to be mine.

“Alice left some..” he started, and I shook my head vehemently.

I felt rage rising in me just at the mention of her name.

I was passive until I got to think of the situation then I got angry.

What Alice did was fucked up, and letting her do that was cruel. I did not do anything to him; I just

needed space to think things through and be sure.

“I don’t want anything your girlfriend has touched, Devin. I get the message. Besides, I will be excusing

you two and going back to my uncle’s house in the south,” I said, fighting my tears and anger and

turning to leave when he held my hand.

He held it so tight that I couldn’t walk away from him.

I did not want to look at him.

I had promised myself not to cry again, and I was trying to keep that promise, but remembering Alice

walking out of his room broke me completely. I never moved on, but he did so quickly.

“What do you mean by girlfriend?” he asked gently, and I began to laugh because my tears had won

the battle.

“She told me that I wasn’t needed here and that you and the pack had moved on since I Left. She told

me she had to step in. I see how well she stepped in, Devin. She did everything in the house and even

went to take care of you in the room at night after I had returned to my room. I saw her exit your room

smiling, Devin,” I said and began to laugh at myself.

“I can’t believe I didn’t figure it out when you insisted you didn’t want me back, and we should just be

friends. You didn’t let me sleep in your room, and the next day, you wanted to walk away when I

brought up the proposal.

I should have figured it out, but I was hoping you would give me a chance.

You should have just told me you had moved on, Devin.

I wouldn’t have bothered.

I would have gone home and tried to heal.

This is wicked of you.

I might have been unstable with you, but I never did this to you,” I said, jerking her hands away from

him.

“I never hurt you like this. You keep saying I am not over Sylvester, but I am.

I do not know why you cannot believe I am over him.

I am happy he has found love and wish my life could be like his, happy and fulfilled. That is all, Devin.

But you always have to think the worst.

You do not know half of what I have to deal with.

I am dying inside.

How do you think I will feel and cope?

I have no family or support system. I am alone. I would have been dead if it weren’t for Sylvester’s law.

I can never discuss my pain with you because you were part of the panel that put the rest of my family

down. You were not wrong, they were, but that does not erase the fact they were my family, and I loved

them.

They loved me regardless of their evil.

My uncle gave up everything to protect me from Maurice.

I could understand why he would want his pound of flesh. As for Glenda, she was just plain stupid, but

they loved me fiercely. They helped me cope with my pain. Now I have to do it alone, Devin, hence why

I’m always sad,” I said, crying.

“I tried so hard so I don’t infect you with my curse.

I would laugh even when I was dying inside.

I did everything.

You do not know half of what I have been through.

My parents are missing, and no one knows where they are. Uncle Nicolas raised me on his own after

we left the north. I have yet to hear from my folks again.

No one talks about it, but it stayed with me.

I listen to all your problems and hide mine away because somewhere there, I will mention Sylvester,

and that would hurt you.

Whether I like it or not, he was there through it all, and it isn’t something I will just erase. ” Just like

Tamia cannot erase Leo from her life,” I said, wiping away my tears.

“I only wanted to think about it, Devin.

I didn’t say I didn’t want you or love you. I didn’t say I didn’t want to live the rest of my life with you.

I didn’t say any of those things.

I never gave you a reason to think that way.

I just wanted space to deal with my loss and grief so I do not continue to carry the baggage that was

killing us.

I wanted to be sure that I could handle it if there were a fated in the picture in the future.

I wanted to be sure, and you broke up with me, Devin.

You accused me of still caring about Sylvester and left me alone.

I did not hate you for it because I knew my answer, and my behaviour was fucked up, so I tried to deal

with my pain alone and then return.

It would be best if you told me not to bother.

I wouldn’t have intruded.” I said, too weak and broken to stand on my feet, so I sat on the couch and

bowed my head to cry.

“I suffer from depression, Devin, and I have battled with it for years. Sylvester knows he was there

through some of it. It is why I constantly have mood swings and react negatively or positively to events.

I did not want you to know because, usually, it is a red light for most relationships.

But now you do, and I hope you see that it had nothing to do with Sylvester or you,” I said, wiping away

my tears.

I could not even look at him.

I had said much more than I should have, and now I regretted it, but I couldn’t take it back.

I forgot about the milk and returned to my room to pack. I planned to leave first thing in the morning.

There was no way I would aggravate myself and endure the torture of seeing Alice.

I had troubled myself enough.

Love and commitment cannot be forced, and I have learned that. Since Devin had moved on, it was

only best for me to do the same instead of hanging around like a pathetic fool looking for pity.

Cleo was silent through it all, and I knew she was hurting.

She did not want us to leave because she had built a bond with Rex, but we were too damaged to hold

on to anything. Someone would always edge us out and take it away from us.

I heard the door open, and I froze on the spot. I did not want to look at Devin.

I was too hurt and ashamed of myself.

I tucked the fabric into the bag I was holding and felt Devin advance towards me. He hugged me from

behind and kissed my neck, gently breathing in my scent.

I tried to still my shaking hands, but I couldn’t.

“You should have told me what you were going through. I do not hate your family, Susan. I would have

seen you through it,” he said, and I began to cry because images of my uncle flooded my mind, and the

memories kept coming.

He was there when no one else was.

I hated him for getting involved with Larry and his schemes. I hated Glenda for allowing herself to be

used that way. They made decisions that took them away from me.

I rested in his arms and began to weep.

He turned me around and hugged me. I buried my head in his chest and wept.

“I am sorry, baby,” he said gently, kissing my head. I let him hold me, and he let me cry.