IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE THIS - EPISODE 38

Lavender’s viewpoint

Staring at the sea, waves crashing on one another, surfer fighting against the tides, people swimming in it; couples, mother, sisters, brothers, friends, children, I stood at the shore watching them all. My eyes picked out everyone of them, observing them like I had a report to write about humans. It was the only way I could calm my anger and frustration. Why am I like that? One person, Rominic.

I brought Roxy back into the house and he acted like a complete asshole in front of her father. It hurt Chef Russo so badly I had to watch him fight back his tears. It was unfair, all the words he said to her and unintentionally directed it to her late mother. He hurt both people just because of me and it hurt me too. I couldn’t just stand there, so I defended her, told him to deal with her staying and since then, we hadn’t spoken to each other. More than a week.

I was at the beach because the girls decided to enjoy themselves at the beach, two days before the wedding. The kids were with us, along with the guys. But I stood far away from everyone, watching the sea, refusing to speak because if I did, the bottled up tears would burst free. I know what she did was wrong, but it wasn’t entirely bad and unforgivable. He did the unforgivable but I still forgave him, I let it all go so what’s so wrong in forgiving her? Especially when what she did wasn’t even that bad. The kids already accepted her back because they knew her crimes wasn’t as big as he sees it to be.

What if I had died of heart attack?

He asked me that. It didn’t matter, the past is the past and he should learn to trust me and my decision. I know I make mistakes a lot of times, but still…

I shook my head and sighed heavily, kicking a seashell into the water. Goosebumps spread on my skin because of the cold, so I hugged myself, shivering a little bit. I looked over at where they were, to my children specifically. I made sure to check on them every ten minutes. I didn’t doubt the others ability to take care of them, but I just needed to be extra sure. Roxy was with Serenity and Zayne, helping them build a sand castle, smiling like the Roxy I knew. She could take care of them because they liked her a lot. Well, except Zachary but he barely liked anyone and Sera is naturally… Well, Sera. Zyaire was still learning how to surf from Cameron. That guy should have been a surfer by profession, but he chose something he loved more. Sera and some of the other kids were searching for seashells and Zach, he was in the midst of the men, listening attentively to their conversation. I really wasn’t in the mood to worry about what they were saying.

Turning my eyes away, I sighed again, returning to my sea gazing. Well, until Anna came and ruined it by slapping my shoulder while she shrieked, “what’s up, sister pussy!” I groaned, stepping away from her and rubbing my throbbing shoulder. “Annalise, can you not be so Annalise?” I groaned.

“What fun would that be? And who am I suppose to be, Veralina? Nay,”

“If you are me, your life would be better and more disciplined,” Vera chimed in as she joined us, Ginger, Sussy and Terra behind her.

“If I were you, I would be ugly, and let’s not forget, bad in bed,” Ginger and Terra burst into laughter while Sussy just rolled her eyes.

“I am not bad in bed, if I were, Waylon would be…”

“Fucking another pussy not just yours?” Anna interjected, making Vera scrunch her nose in disgust.

“I wouldn’t use that word, it’s too… Hmm…”

“Vulgar? Well, that’s your problem because everyone knows Anna wasn’t born with a filter or decency to know when to shut up.” I input, stepping further away from her.

“You wanna know what I was born with?” Anna asked smirkingly. I think I am not the only one who rolled my eyes. Anna laughed, reaching forward to smack me again, but I was already too far. “Vera, how would you know if Waylon isn’t fucking another pussy?”

“Whether he is or isn’t, I don’t wanna think about it or know either. Let’s leave this topic and talk about why Lavender has been acting like…”

“Sore kitty!” Anna squealed and laughed at her senseless joke because to her, it was a joke. Shaking my head at her, I looked over to Tyra and Rylee who were heading towards us. The soon to be brides. A smile touched my lips when I remembered how difficult it was for us to get Rylee to choose a wedding dress. It might surprise you to know she only agreed to wear a black wedding dress, so yes, Rylee’s wedding dress was black. It was either that or nothing. Although Rominic did assure Phineas that she would change her mind soon but soon was running out of time.

Tyra on the other hand almost bought the entire shop. We had to remind her that she can only wear one dress which resulted to her crying over it. I wish I could wear one soon like I’d always wanted. I remembered back then when I was preparing for my wedding after Rominic proposed. I didn’t go gown shopping because I already had a dress, the one mom made for herself for her Mr. Right that never came. With a little touch here and there, the gown was set and ready to be worn. It was my dream dress but that dream was stolen from me.

The dress was with the seamstress when everything happened. So before I faked my death, I took it back and left, but when things got really hard, I sold the dress. I lost my mother’s dream dress to poverty and a wedding for me was not happening anytime soon.

“Yo, Lavlove,” Rylee called as she strutted towards me, “what’s going on between you and my brother? He looks like shit…”

“And smells like one,” I blunted out, making them all hum. I unintentionally gave myself away. I sighed again and sat on the ground, beside Ginger who was sitting next to Sussy who in turn sat next to Terra. They were all wearing sexy bikinis, Anna almost naked and Terra wearing her glitter makeup. Rylee and I were the only one not wearing bikinis. Rylee would rather die than put one on. She was wearing Phineas floral beach shirt over her underwear and a olden days Jewish sandals. I don’t even wanna know where she got it from. Her hair was braided, just like mine, but unlike her, I was wearing a tight but thin bralette top and a floral printed sarong skirt, no shoes, just my feet.

Tyra took the space at my other side while Rylee chose to crouch in front of me, staring at me observantly. “You know he loves you, right?” Tyra asked, glaring at Anna who was squeezing her breasts. Anna shrugged and continued squeezing. Resigning, Tyra turned her attention to me. “You know that everything bothering you is bothering him and what bothers him bothers Rylee and as long as it’s bothering Rylee, it’s bothering me as well. Now what bothers me bothers Link and what bothers Link bothers the guys and what bothers the guys bothers their wives and what bothers the parents bothers the…”

“Okay, Tyra, we are connected, we get it.” Sussy interjected while the others giggled.

“Lavlove,” Rylee called almost in a whisper, drawing my attention to her. She tilt her eyes and looked deep into my eyes, almost unnerving me. “Is what you two fighting over worth it? Or are you just using it as a front for the real reason you are angry?”

“Oh, trust me, she’s not angry,” Anna said, “she’s more worried and sad than angry,”

“And if I’ve known her well enough, then I will boldly say she is sad about something else and is using this as a front. My guess is that the thing is related to Rominic. Am I right or am I wrong?” Terra added, making me frown because I hoped they wouldn’t figure it out so I could lie. I didn’t want them to know that the real reason I was sad was because of the fear of Rominic and I never getting married and losing my wedding dress. I didn’t want them to know that I was breaking my promise by continuously comparing my present to my past. I didn’t want them to be disappointed in me and tell the guys after I promised them I would not overthink it. I just didn’t want anyone to know.

“From the look on her face, I’ll say she’s doing that past to present comparison thing again,” Sussy said with a tone that state that she was not surprise.

“And from how she has been avoiding topics of weddings, I’ll say it has to do with the wedding,” oh, the cat is out of the bag now. I felt like a little girl caught doing something terrible. I bowed my head in shame and stared at my fumbling fingers, tears beginning to cover my vision. I didn’t want to see the disapproval and disappointment in their eyes, I just didn’t want to see the look in their eyes that would remind me of how sick my mind is.

“Lavlove,” Rylee called again, “is it true? Are you sad because you are remembering your past? The excitement you were feeling when preparing for your wedding? Is that it?” I nodded. “Are you afraid Rominic would never propose again?”

“Y…yes, I am,” I sniffed, “I’m afraid that he would never propose because our relationship will never be stable. It would always be us fighting over this or that, trying to mend our relationship, trying to joggle between being parents and a couple because somehow, it’s very difficult for me to be both. I’m afraid that after some time, he would realize I am too broken and mentally unstable to mother his children or be a wife, I’m afraid I will lose him because of me. I’m afraid that if he do propose and then few weeks to the wedding, something bad would happen allover again. I’m afraid of getting pregnant again because I know he wants one child. How can I take care of one more when I’m still trying to return to the mother my children knew me as? It’ll be too difficult. I’m afraid I might not even be able to conceive again after almost losing my life the last time. I’m afraid everyone would leave me and I’m afraid I would never get better. I…I…I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” I sobbed. “Why am I so unstable? Why? Why can’t I be Lavender again? Why?”

“You are overthinking things again, Lavender, stop!” Anna almost yelled, “stop letting your mind do this to you. For fuck sake, Rominic will only leave if you continue pushing yourself away like this. You have the power to be whatever you want, but you keep finding stupid reasons not to. How long will people talk to you? How long will your therapist hood sessions with you? Lavender, stop being such a twat and woman up.” She spat in annoyance.

“Annalise is right, Lavender, cut it out. You ask why but the answer is you. It has always been you, Lavender, just you. Quit it already. How can you help people all the time and yet remain nothing but a broken glass? Put yourself together and take your own advice for once before you kill yourself.” Said Sussy.

“Mi corazón, the only reason Rominic didn’t propose because he wants your wedding to be single so you would be the only woman in a bridal dress anyone looks at. He wants you to be the only bride dragging all the attention so calm the hell down. Stop beings such a pain in everybody’s asses.” Tyra spat out angrily. I was being unreasonable again. The guys already talked to me but I just needed an assurance and I should have spoken to him instead of always letting others solve my problems for me. I needed not just a therapist, but the help of a psychiatrist and psychologist. I made a mental note to book an appointment with both very soon.

“I’m sorry, I’m trying to stop, I’m sorry,” I said, sniffing while whipping tears off my nose, “I’ll try harder. Please, don’t be angry at me…”

“We are more worried than mad, Purple, very worried about you.” Terra murmured. Yeah, more worried.

“Aunty Lavimber,” I didn’t even need to check who called my name, I already knew from the miss pronunciation. I quickly wiped my tears and turned around with a fake sweet smile. Jewels stood there with her cute little bikini, hugging one of my phone to her chest. She stretched it out to me with excitement. “You have a foam call, take,” Anna helped me take the phone because she knew my brain wasn’t registering what she was saying.

“Thanks, Jewels, now go play…”

“Am I good girl now?” Jewels asked with wide excited eyes. “Daddy said if I do good things, I will be good girl and angels would always do what I say. Am I good girl now?” She spoke slowly, barely audible. I found myself giving her a thumbs up. The rest acknowledge how good she is and Jewels ran off giggling.

“The call was from Lilith, who’s that?” The smile on my face extended, some kind of joy exploding in my chest. I took the phone without replying them and found myself standing up and walking away as I dialed her number once again. It rang out the first time but she picked on my second try.

“Lilith!”

“My love!” She squealed, “girlfriend, it has been a long time!” I chuckled.

“We spoke like five days ago,”

“Far too long, honey, far too long. Now, how’s the kids, your hunk, his sisters and all those bullshits? Tell me, I’m excited to attend the wedding. Do you know I’m standing at the airport right now?”

“Really?” I gasped.

“No,” she said and burst into laughter. I rolled my eyes. “Don’t worry, I’ll be there but my flight is scheduled for tomorrow. I’m going to miss that epic party you talked about, but I expect a video… Jeremiah, get the hell away from my expensive car or I’ll break your dusty bones and feed it to Marco!… Oh, where were we, honey? Yes, I expect a video. I don’t really care for any other part than the naked freezing. Seeing a group of wickedly hot men diving into a pool with their hot cocks jingling is my life long dream.”

I snorted. “Really, since when?”

“Since you told me, duh… Jeremiah, put your sister down! Don’t make me get down there!… Yeah, what was I saying? Oh, hot cocks. Just picture it, them jumping into the pool and their cocks bouncing. Sweet! I wanna see them and show it to Jiayi to mock him. I’ll be like ‘you are not ashame of yourself. Just take a look at better men with bigger or better dicks. You dare call yourself a man?! I’ve already fucked and cum on all of them while you can’t even give me anything as good as an orgasm. Shame on you.’ It’ll be epic! My own epic fun!” She squealed and laughed while I smiled, already picturing her making her weird hand gestures.

“Or it could be suicidal, Lilith,”

She snorted, “who’s killing me, that weakling?” She hissed, “as if. He can do nothing. I have him right under my shoes…”

“I’m talking about him fucking you until you bleed as payback and we both know that if there’s one thing Jiayi is good at, other than shooting, it’s banging. He’s going to kill you…” I trailed off, realizing that was her plan from the start. I knew she was smirking and grinning at the same time. I shook my head, refusing to ponder on their complicated marriage again. “You know what, I don’t wanna know what happened this time, forget it.” She laughed as expected.

“Just make sure I get the video, huh, darling? You know I love you, right?”

“Please,” I smiled, “don’t use that line, you know I will do it without you asking. We are partners in crime, your victims are my victims and my targets…”

“My priority! Yeah, baby! You still got it!” She squealed, causing me to laugh along with her this time. “Well, that aside, how’s things with you and Rominic? He called Zimò and whined about how stressful work is. We both know he only whines about unreasonable things if he gets scolded by his mother, maltreated by Rylee or if you two have a fight. I am hundred percent sure Kara is too excited about Rylee’s marriage to scold him and Rylee hasn’t been paying attention to him like he whined about yesterday. So it falls on you. What’s up?”

“Let’s just say I still have a lot of problems to take care of, but I promise to fix things to…”

“What the fuck, Jeremiah! Get the fuck down from there!” I chuckled. She and her son. Jeremiah was just like her, even more bothersome. He had her madness and Jiayi’s in his body so you can imagine the kind of headache he gives them. You stop him from one, he jumps to the other. Always creating chaos everywhere he goes.

“Jeremiah is fine I see,” I chuckled.

“Is it bad for me to miss when he was hospitalized with no movement? Jeez, those two weeks were the happiest days of my life.”

I laughed. “Lilith, you cried the entire two weeks.”

“Of joy…”

“You wished that he gets up again and give you a headache, that it was better than him sleeping in a hospital and unconscious. Remember?” I teased.

“Shut up.” She deadpanned. I continued to laugh. We talked for a little while before Jeremiah did something that made her scream and stomp down so I had to hang up. I used that opportunity to call Arthur and check on him and his relationship with Olive. I didn’t even need to sweat that much, Arthur was already doing it for me. All I had to do was add in good words for him to convince Olive and of course, repeatedly threaten to destroy him if he hurts her. They weren’t dating yet because she has dodged every date opportunity, but it will happen eventually.

Arthur complained about his mother babying him and August refusing to sleep in his own house, and many other rubbish I hummed to. Before he figured out I wasn’t listening, told me he would call someone would listen which is Olive and then hung up. I didn’t realize how far I had wander off while talking to them on the phone until after I was done. I turned and headed back to where I came from.

When I came closer to the laughter, I sat by the shore to clear my head. My eyes were shut, my hands holding my knees to my chest. My mind was blank and quiet. I thought of nothing, just kept my eyes close, feeling the wind on my skin. Well, until his cologne invaded my peace and quiet.

My heart instantly picked up the pace, my blank mind occupying with questions on why he was there, what he was trying to do, how I would react and some couple of nonsense that wasn’t related. He lowered himself to the ground beside me, his gentle breathing driving me even more insane. Why am I reacting this way again? Why isn’t he saying something? He… We let the pregnant silence grow closer to birthing before I got sick of it and spoke first.

“I’m sorry. I know you are worried about my decision to forgive her, but I want you to trust me. Not forgiving her would grow hatred in places that it shouldn’t be…”

“I am not worried about you forgiving her, it’s okay to. However, letting her back into the house is what I do not agree with. Laverne, I trust you, but I don’t trust her. Something in me tells me to… I just… I don’t know. She can come visit her father for a limited time, but staying…”

“It’s nothing to be worried about, Beau,” I said, opening my eyes and stretching my legs, “Roxy is a wonderful person and I know her kind heart is why the kids love her. Please, let her stay for a while before I rent an apartment for her and her father and give her a new job. That way, Chef Russo can go in and out without worrying about being away from his only child. Just trust me, Beau, because I trust you.” I stared at his face intensely, hoping my eyes would get him to reconsider and he did. The moment he sighed, I knew I won. I shrieked with joy and flung myself on him, throwing my hands over his shoulders for support. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

He chuckled. “Just promise me you’ll be careful with her,”

“Cross my heart,” I pushed away from him and grinned, “say, since everyone is here, our car is empty, unguarded with a very, very, very, thickly tinted glass. It also has strong tires so it doesn’t rock easily from little pushes,” he mirrored my suggestive grin. I immediately jumped to my feet to run for it. “You can have me only if you catch me!” I didn’t even make it far before Rominic yanked my leg, causing me to flounder in a hopeless attempt to save myself, but eventually fell on the ground. Luckily, I kept my face away from the sand.

Rominic effortlessly lifted me up and smirked. “Caught.”

Humph.