IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE THIS - EPISODE 34

Lavender’s viewpoint

Am I selfish? Am I not? Did I make the right decision? Or did I not? I knew what would happen a day before the competition, I knew through Zayne. He was unusually weak and quiet, and his skin was pale. I am their mother and I’d spent years watching over both of them specifically and observantly. I knew the symptoms that helped me know who would fall sick next or who is already sick. Zayne and Serenity had always been a means to know that.

Whenever Zayne becomes quiet, weak and pale, it meant something was wrong with Serenity or something was going to be. If it was Zyaire, he grows sudden rash. If it was Sera, he reacts by being extraordinarily clingy to her, and for Zachary, he tends to puke a lot. Serenity also react with rashes when it is Zyaire, clingy to Zachary, catch a cold to Serafina and reacts the exact same way Zayne do to her. Sera only reacted to Zayne and Serenity which is always slight headache before she passes out.

From the signs, I knew Serenity was not okay, but I thought she was probably going to have a fever, a simple fever. I could have stopped her, but I knew that if I did, she would never forgive me. To me, I concluded she would get treated. “It’s just a simple fever,” I said. Now a simple fever is the reason I was fidgeting at the edge of her hospital bed, looking at Rominic trying to explain to her that she can never be a professional swimmer or have anything to do with water. I chickened out on being the bringer of the bad news, so Rominic had to do it as the always calm one.

Maybe if I forgot about her feelings and stopped her, it wouldn’t have happened. But George said it would happen either way and my method was better because this way, she understood how dangerous swimming was to her health. But it didn’t make shattering her dreams any better.

“So what are you trying to say, Dad? I don’t get you.” Rominic glanced at me, and then sighed loudly.

“Stop trying to pet her, Dad, and come out with the truth,” Sera blunted out. Unlike the others, Sera was angry at Serenity for deliberately endangering her life, just so she could dive into the water and die. She was pissed that we weren’t scolding her for being selfish and not thinking about herself and others. She was right, but she also needed to remember that Serene was softhearted. She was afraid of losing the one thing she loved most all-over again. I’m sure she thought that she could just win one time and then quit, so she could at least have a medal. Serenity didn’t need to be yelled at, her dreams were about to be squashed.

“Sera, don’t…”

“I’ve said it and I’m still saying it, I’ll just tell you right to your stupid face, Serenity. Uncle George said you can never swim again because you just had to endanger your life!”

“Sera!”

“Way to hit the nail into the coffin, sis, nice job.” Zyaire commented sarcastically.

“What?” Sera snapped angrily, “am I suppose to lie and pet her? She wasn’t thinking about her life when she decided to go on even when she knew she wasn’t well! Did she… Serene, did you think for once what it would do to mom and dad if you die? For goodness sake! Zayne is like the other end of your string! Your side dies and his follows. She didn’t think of me or him or mom or…”

“Serafina, I said enough!” I yelled, making her pin her lips. “You are breaking your sister’s heart, can’t you see? Her dream is about to be taken away from her, take it easy on her!”

“If it’s so painful, she should get another dream because a dead body can never dream. I’m going home, this place reek of foolishness.” I opened my mouth and closed it, unable to form words. I looked at Rominic for help but he scoffed. He might not say it out loud but he supported Sera and blamed me for not doing something if I knew it was going to happen. I didn’t even know what to conclude about my decision, was I selfish or was I just being foolish?

“It’s okay, Angel, you’ll be fine,” he whispered to weeping Serenity. Would we ever be? Is this the calm before the storm? What do I do now?

~~~

Two weeks, two awfully painful weeks. Serenity was discharged but she changed. She remained in her room, rarely eating, barely seizing from crying and never speaking a word to anyone. The gifts sent by her school wasn’t any help and Sera was still not talking to her or anyone. Sera was quiet because she was angry at herself, me and Serenity and Rominic wasn’t happy with me.

“So because you don’t want her to dislike you or be mad at you, you willingly watch your daughter offer herself to death. You knew that she is just a child and doesn’t know any better, that she needs the right guidance but yet you let it slide because you didn’t want her to be mad. You forgot that she is nine and her future does not just depend on being a swimmer. She can do anything she wants with the right encouragement and comfort but like always, you let your mind convince you into making the wrong decision. When will you stop making mistakes, Lavender? When will you freaking start acting like their mother once again and not a confuse woman trying to get use to her stepchildren. Lavender, when will you stop letting your mind convince you that they are big enough to take care of themselves? They are nine, Laverne, give them a break. Zachary and Serafina might be an exception but notwithstanding, they are still what they are, kids.”

“It’s our job to parent them, not leave them to figure things out on their own. You used to take good care of them before I came, what happened? Why can’t you go back to being their mother and not just my girlfriend? Lavender, you are not just my girlfriend but the mother of five so start acting like one. What would you have done if she died? How would you have lived with yourself?”

Those were the bitter words he gently said to me after he kicked me out of our bedroom because he can’t stand looking at my face. He was right. So I did the only thing I knew how to do best, I told Zachary I was going to see my mother and left. With my backpack stacked and ready, I went to her grave, again. I’m please to announce I stayed in the cemetery for three good days. I cried the first two days without eating, just drinking my tears and water. Then on the third day, I pondered on his every word.

How much more mistakes would I make?

I was my mother’s only child but she never made a mistake with me.

Every mistake I am is not from her.

I indeed had convince myself that they would always be okay and even if they are not, they have others to care for them. What mattered was Rominic. How would I have lived with myself if she died? How? He would never forgive me and so would the kids. I needed to start acting more like a mother than a girlfriend. I used my time to remember every single thing I could think of my mother, to build back my motherly instinct. Then I remembered how I suffered with them, what we were and what we should have been.

I finally knew what to do.

~~~

I returned home, dirty and probably stinky, but feeling different. I would not just be more like a mother than a girlfriend, I would be both. I already knew how to fix my family, and it started with Serenity.

Ignoring Rominic in the hallway, I walked to the room she shared with Sera who moved out to camp in Zachary’s. I opened the door quietly, walked in and shut the door. Serenity was sitting on Sera’s bed, hugging her cat whose name I don’t care to remember. She lifted her head and when she saw me, her eyes lit up with hope and wet with tears.

Since I was now using my head, I finally knew what was going on in hers. She wasn’t sad about her predicament but what she did to cause it. Serene was blaming herself for everything. She cried because she thought Sera hated her and would never want to be her sister again. She cried because Zachary was disappointed in her. She cried because Zyaire didn’t show much concern towards her. She cried because she knew her father was mad at her and me because I let her be. She cried when she saw Zayne because the guilt of what she would have done to him was unbearable. She was wallowing in guilt and regret.

She blamed herself for ruining the family and to her, her father would kick me out of the house because of her mistake. She was afraid everyone would hate her and sad because she nearly killed herself. All she needed was assurance.

“Serene,” I called softly, climbing into the bed. She shifted away from me a little. “You know I can never hate you, right? I can never hate you, not after everything we have been through. I know how you feel. You are imprisoned by guilt, regret, and fear, I completely understand, but no one will ever hate you.”

“Sera does,” she murmured, the first words she had spoken in weeks.

“No, honey, your sister doesn’t hate you, she is just mad that you almost died. Sera loves you, baby, with the whole of her heart and that’s why she’s angry. She almost lost you, her only sister, her joy. She’s mad at herself for not paying attention to your health or keeping a close eye on you. She’s mad at herself because she feels like she failed in protecting the one sibling she loves the most. She is angry because she imagined a world without you and it broke her heart, especially when you almost made it happen. She doesn’t hate you, she is just angry at herself and you.” I should have thought about that earlier, but I didn’t because I wasn’t thinking. Serenity burst into tears, scaring her cat away with the sudden outburst. The little thing ran under the bed.

“I didn’t mean to, Mommy, I didn’t mean to. I was scared to give up. I thought that if I gave up, I would be a failure and a weakling and never be able to make you, dad, Zachary and Sera proud. If it was Sera, she would never give up…”

“If he was Sera, she would have stopped. Do you want to know why Sera is always ahead?”

“Because she thinks and I do not,” she cried, “I know that now. I shouldn’t have hid my sickness when I first coughed blood, I should never have. Because of my happiness, you tried to cover for me and now, dad hates you too and would leave you…”

“Your father is not that shallow, love,” I whispered, pulling her to sit on my laps. I hoped he wasn’t, I wish so. “He loves me, he loves you, your sister and brothers. Seeing you like this is what’s making him so mad, and the fact that I ignored his ‘daddy instinct’,” I rolled my eyes, hoping she would giggle and she did. “Instead of keeping quiet, you should have tried to fix things. Seeing you like this makes them sad, baby, you should do something about it.”

“I bet you regret giving birth to me,” I gasped at her utterance. I slapped my palms on her wet cheeks and shook her violently.

“Never say that to me, Serene, never! After everything I went through, I would be insane to think of you as a mistake. Don’t blame yourself but blame me, blame me for failing as a mother. I’ve neglected you and your siblings enough, and it’s time I change. So starting from now, you will… We would both fix our mistake. Go to Sera and apologize…”

“I can…”

“No,” I flicked her forehead, “you can, you will and you must.” I said as a matter of fact.

“What if she…”

“She won’t, she loves you and this would prove it.” I stood up with her, not giving her time to protest. I carried her out to the garden where I knew Sera would be slaughtering the flowers and Zach standing a safe distant to keep an eye on her. I was right, only that Zayne and Zyaire were there too, helping her destroy the Gardener’s work. I dropped her when I was close enough and pushed her forward.

Serene looked at me still in tears, but I urged her to go on. She nervously crossed her hands behind her back and walked towards her siblings, repeatedly looking over her shoulder to make sure I was still there. Zayne noticed her first, so he tapped Zyaire who in turn slapped the back of Sera’s head.

“What the butt, Zyaire!” Zyaire smirked and pointed at Serenity. Sera froze when she saw her crying sister and as predicted, her hard glare softened. Serenity kicked her foot shyly, staring down at the grass.

“Sera, I’m sorry, please don’t hate me. I promise to never do that again.” Sera found me, tilting her head in question, her eyes starting to brim with tears. She looked back at sobbing Serene and shook her head.

“You really scared me, Serene. What am I going to do with you?”

“Oh for the love of Pete, stop playing sponge, Ice Queen, and just cry!” Zyaire shouted, earning a smack to the head from Zayne and a glare from Zach.

“I’m sorry,” Serene sobbed, “stop hating me, I would do anything. I’m sorry I messed up, I’m sorry I disappointed you, big brother, sorry I hurt Zayne but I’m not apologizing to Zyaire, he can go jump off a cliff.”

Seriously?

“That’s my girl!” Oh, now I get the reason for the last statement. I covered my mouth and laughed as Sera squeezed her into a hug, a very tight one. Tears flowed down freely because I was happy. I did that. I brought them back together like I always use to do. Maybe now, Rominic would stop hating me. Just maybe. “I would have cried too but can’t let that loser see it, and mind you, Zach is not your big brother.”

“Of course I am,”

“You are not, we were born on the same day.” Sera pointed out, smacking Zyaire’s hands away so she could have Serenity’s hug all to herself.

“You call me little brother every time!” Zach exclaimed, throwing his arms up.

“Because you are little, and I am not. As the first born, I get to decide who’s older and who’s not. So I’m older, you are not.”

“The only older thing about you is your stupidity!”

“Brave word from someone with a brain the size of my tennis ball,” Sera yawned. Zyaire narrowed his angry eyes at her. I walked out before they begin fighting. “Great, mom’s here. Mom, tell this little boys to go suck their thumbs, I’m in the middle of dropping a inspirational speech for my pumpkin.”

“And what inspirational quote do you have, Your Royal Madestity,” Zach said with a mock bow. Sera rolled her eyes.

“I said speech, idiot,” she cleared her throat. “I get that you are sad that you might not have a future without swimming, Serenity, but you need not be. Pumpkin, you are the most talented among us. You can sing, you can dance, you can write very good stories. You are a great freestyler which is a good recipe for a songwriter. You can play more than ten musical instruments and above all, you smell better than Zayne.”

“Mom! Sera is being mean to me!” Zayne cried. Sera shrugged while I held back my laugh.

“Just stating fact. Now, like the great Zelmira Verlice once said…”

“Aren’t you Zelmira?”

“Shut up, Little brother, I’m talking,” Zach frowned deeper. “As I was saying. Like the great Zelmira Verlice once said. If life takes away your joy, kick him in his peanut and steal your joy back…” Huh? “And if fate steals your fins, then gain some legs and dance. There is more than one color in the rainbow, so there is more than one possible way to end your life… I mean, future…”

“Sera,” Serene giggled.

“What she is trying to say is that, Serene, would you be a darling and sing me a song? Anyone? My heart is broken and I need to heal, your voice always heals.” I don’t think Serenity knew how good she was at singing and how happy it made her. Her eyes lit up like Christmas after I said that and that was how we ended up in the music room, she with her guitar to sing the song she has been raving about. Heard it on TV.

“She was 19 with a baby on the way
On the East-side of the city, she was working every day
Cleaning dishes in the evening, she could barely stay awake
She was clinging to the feeling that her luck was gonna change
And, ‘cross town she’d take the bus at night to a one bedroom apartment
And when she’d turn on the light
She would sit down at the table
Tell herself that it’s alright
She was waiting on the day she hoped the baby would arrive
She’d never be alone
Have someone to hold
And when nights were cold, she’d say

The world’s not perfect but it’s not that bad
If we got each other and that’s all we have
I will be your mother and I’ll hold your hand
You should know I’ll be there for you
When the world’s not perfect
When the world’s not kind
If we have each other then we’ll both be fine
I will be your mother and I’ll hold your hand
You should know I’ll be there for you…” I wiped my tears and continue listen to the beautiful song and how well she played her small acoustic guitar. Halfway through the song, she jumped to her feet and said what we see hoping she would realize on her own.

“I’ve got it! I’ve got! I’ll be a singer!”

“Wow, who would have thought,” Sera said with mock surprise.

“Mom, let’s have a karaoke night! I have to… Dad! Dad!” She ran off, throwing her guitar which landed on Zyaire’s foot.

That’s my girl.

Rominic’s viewpoint

I rubbed my hand over my throbbing eyes, trying to blink the blurriness or rub it away. My head ached from thinking too much and worrying about my family. It was not easy ignoring the love of my life, but I knew I had to do it because Serenity is just like her mother. They both always need a push towards what they already knew how to do. I didn’t like the fact that Lavender was abandoning the children and focusing only on me. That mind of hers really needed to be destroy. Her problem has always been one thing and would remain that one thing.

Her mind.

Heaven knows how she managed to build her mind to that level or how the mind built itself to that level, but her biggest enemy remains her mind. She needed serious psychological help. I love the woman, but the way her mind works is delirious, completely and stupidly insane! How can someone’s mind be set on destroying it body? And how can she always let it happen? She always knew when she was doing something wrong; always knew when her mind was at it again. But just like a criminal bent on breaking laws, she let it go on and let her mind convince her that it’s okay. How is that even possible? I just needed her to start acting like the Lavender I know, not the one I broke.

Yes, the one I broke. It has always been my fault.

Notwithstanding, that was in the past. We both needed to move on and she needed to get her priority straight. Even if she gives more attention to the kids, I don’t mind. Even if she loves them more, I still don’t mind. It has always been them and her and it should remain that way. The little time she has for me, I’ll manage. As long as I get to see her; as long as I know she loves and would never leave me, I am fine. It was better than the past, better than the pain killing me from the inside. Lavender was the kind of person that pays more attention to who she loves most. So let them be who she loves most, I’ll manage in the backseat.

As long as she don’t leave me.

“Dad! Daddy!”

Serenity?

The girl in question ran in. I stared at her as she ran towards me, smiling like she was not the reason for the gloomy atmosphere. “Dad!” I caught her as she jumped into the air, lifting her up and dropping her on my thighs. “Dad…”

“You have said that enough,” I chuckled, “what’s wrong?” She tilt her head with curiosity glimmering in her eyes. “What?”

“First, Daddy, are you alright? You don’t look too good.”

“I’m fine, just dizzy and miss your mother,” I answered truthfully. She nodded, shyly fondling with her fingernails. “I don’t hate you, Serenity, but I am mad. I mad at the fact that you did not consider your family when you decided risking your life for a medal is much more important. I’m mad at the fact that even though you have such great potentials, you always hold yourself back and expect your brothers and I to always push you forward. Serenity, I would love to tell you that we would always be there for you, but that would be a lie…” She whimpered, grabbed my shirt with glassy eyes. Okay, that came out wrong. “What I’m trying to say is that we would be there as a family, we would always love you no matter what, but we won’t be there always.”

“Why? You hate me…”

“No, we do not and will never. Serenity, one day, Zachary would be busy with work as the heir because we all know your brothers choice of career is far from the family business. He would have an empire to deal with and then he would fall in love, get married and she would be his priority. Same thing goes to Zyaire and Zayne. They both have such wonderful future and opportunities. Do you know that Zayne’s teacher from the private art class called and informed us that his painting has been selected to join their next exhibit? If his artwork can make sales, your brother’s career would begin. Now, will he be able to focus if he’s worried about his older sister?” She shook her head vigorously. “And Zyaire, he is going to be a great actor someday, if he can get his head away from videogames. If he gets there, how would he concentrate if he’s worried about you?”

“I’m sorry, Dad, I’m very sorry,” she sobbed, “I would work hard to be independent and make everyone not worry about me too much. I’m sorry I came between you and mom, I’m sorry…”

“It’s okay, I did that to your mother as punishment for not properly taking care of you and your siblings. Oh, and because I said be independent, it doesn’t mean you have to carry your burdens alone, okay?” She nodded. “Promise me that if there is anything bothering you, you would come straight to me or talk to Zachary, your mother or Sera, and God please, don’t ask my sister for advice, no matter what situation you are in,” she giggled profusely. I pinched her soft wet cheek and pulled it. “Now tell me, what has gotten you so excited?”

“Oh!” She exclaimed in excitement. “Daddy, can I get a private music teacher, please? I want to work on my voice, my musical instruments and I want to attend Aunt Ginger’s dance school. Can you help?” So, she finally figured out what her true calling is.

“If that is what my angel wants, then that is what my angel would get,” I blew a kiss on her cheeks, almost making her fall off me as she giggled uncontrollably. I tickled her side, changing her giggles to a loud laughter.

“Daddy! Stop! I’ll wet myself!” I let her drop to the floor with a ‘oomph’, she gave me a cute glare, causing me to laugh at how adorable she looked. Someone cleared her throat. I turned to look at her, still laughing. Lavender stood in front of my desk, her hands crossed behind her back and body swaying in embarrassment. I quirked a brow at her, resulting to a hot blush spreading across her nose.

“Hi,” she murmured sheepishly, avoiding my eyes by staring at her interesting feet, “um… I just wanted to tell you… I mean, Serenity that we are going out, all of us, for karaoke and then the cinema to just watch something random. Serene has to dress up and y… If you want to go.” She’s so cute. I wanted to laugh and hug her, telling her that everything was okay now she has taken back her mother position, that I missed her too and ignoring her hurt me more than it hurt her. But, let’s make her work for the stress.

“Okay.”