IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE THIS - EPISODE 21

Lavender’s viewpoint

I stood there with my hands on my hips as I watched my suppose date shamelessly flirting with the waitress. He hadn’t seen me but I had seen him and the goat had been flirting with that waitress since I got there seven minutes ago. She was so close to ripping the fabric off her body and humping him right now and there.

Women.

Having enough of it already, I sashayed over to the table, stepping out of the shadow I had been hiding. My eyes were fixed on the man that was suppose to be my date, the man I was drooling over only a day ago. Seeing him now, every thought of being with him that still lingered completely vanished. Who would want to be with a man like that? Certainly not me.

I maneuvered so I could come up behind him. When I was standing close enough, I swung my bag and smacked him hard on the back of his head. One thing Rominic is and Apollo is not, a touch man. Apollo is a cry baby; Mama’s little lamb. He screamed with a little whine and stood up to his feet, turning around to face who hit him.

“Hey!” He shouted with annoyance, but the moment his gaze fell on me, he swept it along my body and smiled seductively, “hey,” he purred. I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms.

“Quit the act, Apollo, you still haven’t changed. You can’t even sit for ten minutes and wait for your girlfriend, you instantly start flirting and expect me to be okay with it? Apollo, are you insane!”

“I don’t…” I glared coldly at him, hoping his foolish brain would think fast but idiots are always idiots. Though he didn’t say it out, he zoned out as he counted his fingers while listing the women he sleeps with, one that would look like me. I palmed my face and swiped it down with frustration

Nuh uh, not going to work.

“While you are trying to remember my name, try making a mental schedule to see a doctor for brain surgery because you fucking need it. I’m out of here, enjoy the rest of your night, Asspollo!” I shouted carefreely, already walking out on him. I knew his dead brain would be able to recognize that name. If no one else has adapted that nickname already, he would definitely recognize…

“Oh my goodness! Sugar Plum!” I heard him shout from inside, so loud it echoed in the semi hushed restaurant. I was already out of the building. I quickened my steps a little so I’d be close to my car in case he decides to do one of his legendary ancient dance of the gods.

Remember when I mentioned him being a lunatic? This was one of the many reasons. Apollo had invented an incredible way to embarrass himself–not that he cares–and scare or creep the life out of his unfortunate victim. He had a dance for every occasion, every moment, every emotions. It was the most terrifyingly awkward thing I have ever seen. He wasn’t insane, just damn right stupid. I didn’t want to have to deal with any dance he would have, no matter what the dance is. Probably something to welcome me from the dead and I knew that would be more scary. What was I thinking agreeing to playing such a game with Apollo of all men! What the absolute hell was I thinking!

His abs… My subconscious whispered. And she was right. I was so blinded by his looks that I forgot his personality wasn’t worth it.

“Sugar Plum, wait up!”

I can still make it, just few more steps to go!

“Plumy!” I angrily turned around and pointed at him, something I usually did whenever he called me that. But then I realized what he did. He knew I would turn around, thereby giving him enough time to catch up with me. Okay, he’s still as cunning as ever. “Plum,” I sighed as he threw his arms around me, not fighting him because I didn’t want to waste my strength fighting him and still end up failing. He might be a cry baby but he had strength and he didn’t let me win like Rominic always did. “My purple plum, I’ve missed you, really. Do you know how sick your death made me? With you dead, Nicky Bear became too boring to annoy. What did I ever do to earn such boring life, my purple plum? Why!”

“I’ve told you, plum are purple so stop adding purple like I’d turn another shade of color. I don’t even have anything like purple on me, my name is Lavender because that was my mother’s…”

“Favorite color, yeah, yeah,” he said uninterestedly, “you say that all the time and still haven’t changed. Don’t blah me to death.” He pushed away from me but maintained his grin.

“Nice to see you too, Apollo, really.” He creepily stayed quiet, scrutinizing me with exaggerated wide eyes. It was like he was trying to sink in my appearance and judge it, then decide if he should really try to win my heart and affection, and at the same time, trying to come in terms with my existence. I let him take his time to observe me very closely for over five minutes, in silence and stiff, until he smiled warmly with a vigorous shake of his head.

“Now come on, we have a dinner reservation with my name on it!” Yeah, like I’m ever gonna go back there.

~~~

Apollo and I ended up in a smaller restaurant, away from paparazzi as he was well known. It took all the glaring powers in me to convince him to come along and when he did, all he did was complain. Nevertheless, he stopped whining at a point and just enjoyed the meal while telling me about his failed relationships.

Apollo was never married, don’t mistake that. But just like many playboy, he had a child; a son. The boy’s mother was the closest thing to true love he experienced but death was cruel to him, it snatched her away few weeks after his birth. Apollo couldn’t raise his son because he is him, so he had to send the child off to stay with the child’s maternal grandmother. I knew that story already, though I’ve never seen the son before. Then during my years away, he already had three ex fiancees but dumped them since he could not submit to commitment and love, and he had a daughter from another woman. Apollo was never getting married, not in this life or the next. But he had nothing to lose, he already had kids.

But I knew the real reason behind it, I’m not that dense.

“I don’t know, maybe I never got over Janelle’s death, maybe it’s just me or my family’s curse. My father never married my mother or any other of his concubines, he just died single but was lucky to have me. Hmm,” he pressed his hand to his chin thoughtfully, “but again, my father died at quite an early age. Maybe if he was alive longer, he would have loved my mother and marry her just like I would have with Janelle. The universe is never fair to me.” The bitterness in his voice was directed at something else and I knew that something. In the past when I put two and two together, I decided it was best to keep my mouth shut. I wasn’t that much of a friend to him since I saw him as annoying, so it didn’t matter because he was not a threat. Indeed, he wasn’t. The real threat savored her victory behind my back while I dwelled in ignorance and foolish, blind love.

“You know, Rominic really loves you,” oh, great, another preacher. Apollo leaned on the table, folding his hands on it and resting his chest on his folded forearms. “From the very first day I saw him, the happy boy bouncing along the hallway of a junior high school with a certain charisma bound to be contagious, I was hooked. I knew he had love surrounding him, had happiness and everything that would make a boy happy, and that made me envious. My father was sick then, I had no siblings and his family didn’t really like the illegitimate child. I grew to hate him, reasons why I tried to get my gang to bully him, but it wasn’t very easy because you know Rominic had quite a thick skin. I could never break him, ever,” he shook his head with a small smile on his face and I knew he was lost in his memories. “And soon, the whole school and all the cold teachers fell in love with him. He was bright, a genius! I’m sure you know how that brain of his turns every time he closes his eyes. Nothing gets past him so it was difficult to prank or frame someone with that kind of logistical mind.”

I know what he means. Rominic’s intelligence was one of the first things that pulled me to him. He was incredibly smart, clever, intelligent, brilliant, every smart word you can think of. Then coupled with his slyness and manipulative nature, it made him the perfect schemer.

“My friends eventually liked him too, hating him wasn’t very easy after that so I resulted to pestering which wasn’t easy with that she-male sister of his, but eventually, it became something I loved. I watched him grow even more happier and full of life than he was. Then he suddenly changed. I knew he came in contact with something that made him change, but neither I nor anyone could figure out what. If I knew then that the information he learnt was about how your paternal grandfather cheated his grandmother and took everything from her, I would have told his family and we would have made him see things differently, but no one knew. He got himself so deep in plotting his new darkness made him blind to everything, blind enough to accept Peyton into his life.”

“You knew he was cheating on me, you and everyone knew his relationship with her but you never shared. I haven’t mentioned that part because I don’t want to hate anyone because of that. Why? I understand we weren’t friends so it wasn’t your place to tell me but…”

“When your friends told you, what did you do?” I instantly pinned my lips, knowing he said the right thing. “I tried to warn you by telling that Ferris Wheel boy, but what did you do when they tried to warn you? How was I suppose to tell you when you never liked me? You would have thought it was me trying to ruin your relationship just like you did to others. Lavender, you alone are to blame for your ignorance in that area.” He said scoldingly and he was right. I knew it was my fault, no one else’s.

“Peyton was a bad seed, a toxic crude that fueled his hate. He listened to no one, only her. Then he met you, the sweetest little plain plum,” I rolled my eyes, “you were so naive and too pure for this world and the darkness that came with it. You were an angel spreading light and we instantly knew you were the exact cure to his Peyton virus. That is why his family and friends kept their relationship away from you, they hoped he would fall in love with you and he did. You slowly removed her chains from him. His mind however was still crowded by revenge, making him hesitate. I knew that the best way to get him to surrender completely was if he lost you, so I tried telling your friends so they would inform you, you get mad and leave. That way, he would realize his mistake before he made it and it would be easier for you to forgive him. But I failed. You were as chained as he was. If you weren’t so blind and stupid, everything that happened wouldn’t have.”

I wanted to scream at him that it was all a lie, slap him hard on the cheek and demand he get lost, but I knew he was right. The signs on the wall was obvious, I just chose to ignore it and thereby sealed my fate. I mean, how could I foolishly believe they were friends when no one except him liked her. Phineas of all people hated her and everyone knew that man couldn’t hate a cockroach if he tried. The signs were so obvious but I chose not to believe. It is my fault.

“Plum, Rominic loves you, I know that because I watched him fall apart after you died. We all watched him fall apart, we all watched him try to take his life but never succeeded. If I thought his darkness was bad, his grief was worse. His grief took him deeper into the very depths of sadness, depression, pain, every dark sad word you can think of. He was hopeless and lifeless and it took everything to convince him to stay alive. These years were the hardest for everyone who cared about him. And suddenly, he is almost shining with happiness and I was wondering why then boom! I see the news that he has kids. Where did the kids come from? I just had to find out so I canceled my trip and returned and just as I returned, Phineas comes with this amazing offer and it’s from no other than you.”

“Purple Plum, you brought back his glow and I would do anything to maintain that glow and bring back the happy boy I envied back then. Please, forgive him and move on. Stop letting Peyton succeed even after all these years…”

“Why do you care for him so much?” I asked with one brow quirked, “Rominic doesn’t even care about… Okay, that’s a lie, he does but would never admit it. You guys are weird.”

“Because if he can regain himself, my life would no longer be this boring,” he waved his hand around, “finding someone who can tolerate my childishness isn’t that easy.”

“Or getting rid of the lingering feeling of love is not easy,” I said then took an innocent sip from my cup. The way his eyes bulge out of it socket made me smirk. No one might have figured it out because he is weird with everyone, but I had, before I even left. “Yes, I knew, I’m not that much of a dull-headed.” I dropped the cup and leaned back on the chair with a pout, loving how he was fidgeting on his seat and trying to defend himself, but the shock of my statement haven’t worn out.

“I…I…I… Why would you… I…”

“Apollo, you made it clear billions of time that you are a blessing to both men and women, just like Apollo so it’s not really hard to believe that it’s possible. I’m not judging you for loving him, he’s quite a catch. Apollo, don’t feel bad, I understand.”

“I…I…”

“Breathe, Apollo,” I laughed. Apollo placed his hand on his chest and tried to steady his breathing. He was having a major panic attack. I let him regain himself for a couple of minutes, then gave him my handkerchief to wipe his sweat.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured sadly, “I’ve tried to get rid of it because I know he would never look at me that way, and I did. With Janelle, I was able to love properly but before that love really disappeared, she died. I’m not that in love with him, I still love Janelle but I…”

“Still have a lingering feeling for him because first love never dies.”

“Damn,” he cursed, running his fingers into his hair in frustration, “and that’s what anger me the most. If I can’t love someone else, I would never forget him. But that is not what is important, what is important is that I would do anything to see him truly happy again and you make him happy. Please, Lavender, forget about revenge and accept him back. I’m not asking you to do this for your children, I’m not asking you to do this for me or his family, but for yourself. Revenge never really set things straight, just leaves you empty at the end. Embrace your past and give him and yourself enough grace…”

“Do you think it’s…”

“Yes, it is. I’ve always been too good at giving myself grace, at forgiving my mistakes and I know it is bad but in many cases, it has helped me not dwell in the past. Lavender, I am telling you this from experience, don’t let anger and hate cloud your judgement, forgive. No one is perfect, no one is above mistakes and it takes two to tangle. Although his blame is higher, you are also to blame for it…”

“I fell in love!” I screamed angrily.

“You knew the truth from the very beginning but you chose not to believe it because you desperately sorted someone to love you. You let your desperation to find love and prove to your family cloud your mind. You loved the attention and the care you earned from the family that never liked you, from the father and siblings that treated you like absolute trash, and you didn’t want it to end. Deep down, you knew that if you ended things with him, your family would hate you once again and so you convinced yourself otherwise. Lavender, I have never met a woman who have the amount of self-denial that you have. Deep down, you knew it would end bad but you sacrificed your happiness and future for your wrecked family! So why do you keep blaming him for something you could have avoided!” He shouted.

“No, it’s not true,” I cried, bowing my head in my hands, “it’s not true. I didn’t know…”

“Stop denying reality, you foolish woman! Stop doing that or it would get you killed! I don’t want to pass the blame on you but you know deep down that everything is your fault and that is why you tried to loathe him, because you couldn’t hate yourself! Lavender, admit it to yourself. Stop denying things, stop convincing yourself that this is the way things is when it is not! You made your decision way before he fell in love with you and you both suffered for it. How long will you keep this up? Until one of you dies! What about your children! Stop silently hating yourself for what you could have prevent and work on preventing a disastrous future! Do you want your children to suffer emotional trauma? Do you!”

“No!” I screamed. He did it. Just like I did, he unburied what I buried all these years. He is right, I knew from the start that Rominic was playing me. Honestly, I might not be intelligent, but I am smart. My only true problem was my self-denial and unnecessary selflessness. I wanted to please my family so bad I convinced myself otherwise and deleted every evidence in my mind. It’s not like I didn’t know he was sleeping with Peyton, I chose to ignore it.

Memories of all the times I’d caught them having sex without their knowledge uncovered itself. But every time I saw them, I would convince myself that it wasn’t true and delete the memory from my head or rather, shove it so deep I would forget it. I did this to myself, I ruined my own life and his. We were both paying for what I did. I could have prevented it, but I chose not to and denied myself happiness.

I didn’t hate Rominic, I never hated him. The hate and anger was for myself, for me and me alone but again, I denied it and convinced myself that the hate was for him. I did this, I ruined us. I found myself standing in front of my mother’s grave. I’d driven two cities away to get to her. She was all I needed, all I wanted right now.

I fell on her grave and let out everything I’ve been holding for years. He was right, I need to stop. My therapist mentioned it but I ignored it. Annalise and Terra had always told me I tend to deny what I don’t want to believe and my mother always told me not to. If only I could turn the hands of time, if only I could live a different life.

If mom was alive, I wouldn’t have ended up this way. When she was alive, I had all the love I needed, all the comfort and support, everything I wanted. She was everything to me, she gave me everything and loved me endlessly, but never let me ruin myself. Every part of her memories replayed in my head. She was always there, always protecting me and lecturing me. She gave me lessons, she knew me better than anyone else. I remembered how she would always be there for me even when she was busy. Whenever I ran too much, she would appear out of nowhere and grab me, spin me around as I laughed. Then she would hold me and laugh along with me, tickling my side and blowing air on my face and neck. She wasn’t around to make me my meals, but whenever she was, she would make the most of it and stuff me until I was full. She was always there to encourage me to read and write and tease me when I start panicking about books. I remembered how she would chastise me whenever I did something wrong which was all the time.

Never for once did she leave me to do something wrong because I was her only child, she scolded me all the time. She knew I had self-denying ability, called it my evil super powers. She was always trying for me. Then she died. Her death was so sudden. I wanted that love again, I wanted what I lost back and it made me do foolish things. Her death ruined me.

How could I cope with it? I couldn’t cope with the pain. I never for once imagined the day she would leave me. I always thought it would be me, her and Ferris forever but it didn’t end that way. In other to deal with the pain of her death, I channeled all my focus on trying to prove myself to them, the people who didn’t care. I made a mistake.

I opened my eyes to find myself sitting by the shore of an ocean. My knees pressed against my chest as I stared at the clashing water. I brought my legs down and folded it after staring for a while. “The sea is beautiful,” I froze, I couldn’t dare look back but I felt her behind me with a chill. “It’s calm and peaceful, very. The sea is the most powerful force on earth with the ability to save as it can destroy. The ocean is the Earth as it is the heaven. Capable of washing away anything, no matter how large it is. So tell me, Lavender, is it enough to wash all your worries and sins away?”

“Can I ever forgive myself, mom? Can I?”

“My baby,” she grabbed my shoulders and squeezed it lightly, “let it go and forgive yourself. Let the water wash away your pains, sadness and your past. Forgive yourself so you can be the mother your children wants you to be. Let it go, Jamila, let it go.” Her hands slowly redrew from my shoulders as she went away with the wind, leaving the dam of tears I was struggling to hold explode. And for the first time in my life, I accepted my pain and sorrow, I accepted my fault and flaws and let it go.