Ex-Husband’s Regret by Evelyn M.M - Season 5 Episode 90

Mia’s words still continued to ring in my head even as I headed for my car. The truth had been brutal. It wasn’t easy to swallow the bitter pill, but swallow it I must.

Instead of peeling out of the parking lot like I usually do, I just sit in my car and allow the tears to fall. I couldn’t stop them even if I wanted to. The space fills with the sounds of my cries. My sobs are torn from deep within as the weight of all my actions crash me.

My head falls against the steering wheel because I can no longer hold it up. I wore my shame like a second skin. It was embedded deep inside me like a fucking tattoo.

Why did I let it get that far? Why did I hurt him like that? Why did I allow my selfishness to taint the bond I could have had with Gunner?

Why. Why. Why?

If I knew one day I would long to hold Gunner in my arms. To be in his life. To have him call me mom. I would have held on to him like he was a lifeline… But that’s the thing about hindsight. It’s a bitch.

My lips tremble as I sob. Guilt racks my body, jolting me as if I’ve been electrocuted. I want to scream. I want to hit something. I want to curl up in a ball and just die. It hurts. It fucking hurts and I don’t know how to stop the pain.

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I allow myself to cry until there are no more tears. Until my tear dam is empty. I’m not sure how long I stay there crying, but when I’m calmer, I turn the ignition and drive off.

I’m a mess, I won’t deny that. But it’s not just because I’ve been crying my eyes out for the last couple of minutes. Hell, it’s hours, given I’ve been crying since I got into Mia’s office.

How do you fix things when you’ve messed up so badly? Where do I even begin? It would be easier if it had been a couple of months’ worth of damage to fix, but it’s years. Years worth of damage.

I’ve missed a lot of things. His first word. His first walk. His first day of school. His first time saying mommy. I missed his first birthday, and those since then. How do I make up for that? How?

The whole drive home is spent thinking. Thinking of all the things I could have done. Thinking of how I could have handled things differently. I regret a lot of things, but my biggest regret is how cruel I was to Gunner. He didn’t deserve to be scorned by his own mother.

The whole ride is a blur, but thankfully I don’t get into any trouble. I was so lost in my head that it was a wonder didn’t get into an accident.

I drive into our estate, the iron gates closing behind me with a kind of finality I feel is reflected in my life right now. Part of me feels like there isn’t hope. That I should give up on my relationship with Gunner. That it’s too late to fix what I broke. The stronger part of me, though, doesn’t want to give up. It doesn’t want to let go just yet.

I pull the car to the front of the house and park. Getting out, I rush inside our family home.

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*You’re back earlier than I expected,” mom’s warm voice greets me.

I crash into her and hug her for dear life. I’m past thirty years old, but at this moment, I feel like a little girl who needs her mommy to make things right in her world.

“I can tell today’s session wasn’t easy” she whispers while smoothing down my hair.

Shaking my head, I hug her tighter. I thought that my tears had finally dried, but I was wrong. Once again, they begin pouring, drenching my mom’s shoulder.

Mom pulls me away from her before guiding me to the couch. Once there, she pushes us down on it, before pulling my head down. I ball up in a fetal position, with my head on her lap.

“It’s going to be alright, Emma. Everything is going to work itself out,” she whispers while her fingers gently run through my hair.

I wanted to believe her. I really did. Some part of me was doubtful though. Everything just seemed bleak right now. When my eyes were dry and there weren’t any tears, I lift my head from mom’s lap just as the doorbell rings.

“I’ll get it” I tell mom as I try to wipe any evidence of my breakdown.

I wasn’t really sure who it was, since I didn’t have anyone to visit me, but I knew it was probably one of my mom’s friends.

My jaw literally falls down when I open the door.

“I honestly have no idea what I’m doing here. I was just driving, and I ended up coming here.” Ava mumbles nervously, her eyes moving from me to behind her where her car is parked.

“Come in,” I whisper in a hoarse voice, probably because of crying too much.