Ex-Husband’s Regret by Evelyn M.M - Season 5 Episode 100

Emma

I walk into Mia’s office for yet another therapy session. Just like we always do, I first take off my shoes before sitting down.

“Hi Emma,” Mia asks, smiling at me. Her smile, just like always, is inviting and warm. It makes you calm and relaxed.

“Hi Mia”

“Okay, you know what we have to do first, right?”

She asks and I nod my head.

I take a deep breath before closing my eyes. I sort through my thoughts. I don’t hold onto them for long or dwell on them. Instead, I let them go without trying to dive into them.

I push out the thoughts about Calvin, Gunner, my brother, mom and Ava. I clear my head until there is nothing. Until my head is empty and I am at peace.

Once that’s done, I open my eyes.

“Are you ready for us to begin?” Mia, who was watching me, asks.

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I nod “Yes.”

“When we talked the last time, you told me you are ready to get your life back together. How’s that going on for you?”

Taking a deep breath, I fully focus on her and let her question bounce in my head as I try lock down what I am feeling.

“Good,” I finally say, “I got in contact with my previous firm. They have a branch here in the city and they were happy to have me back.”

That is something I wasn’t expecting. It’s been two years since I had a mental breakdown because of guilt and out of nowhere, I quit my job. I never expected that they’d take me back, given that I didn’t give them a reason.

When I took the leap to call them and ask for my old job back, I expected them to turn me away and tell me to fuck off. I was surprised when my senior got excited at hearing me. She immediately accepted my request, even after I told her that I wasn’t coming back to the city I’d called home for the last ten years.

“Is there a particular reason why you decided to get your life back?” Her question pulls me back to the present. “Gunner,”

I don’t have to think about it. Gunner is the reason I am doing all this. He is the reason why I sought therapy to heal and change.

“What about him?”

“I can’t try to be a good mother to him when my life is a mess now, can I?” I give her a sheepish smile. “I quit my job and moved with my mum while I was basically wasting away in my bedroom. That doesn’t scream ‘good, responsible mom”

She nods her head and then writes something in her note book before turning back to me.

“I get what you are saying, but I am worried that you are using Gunner and Calvin as a bandaid. I am afraid that you are settling for them since you didn’t end up with Rowan, given he was always your first choice.”

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Her words tear something inside me. I feel offended and hurt that she would think this way about me and about my intentions to mend things with Calvin and Gunner.

I am quiet as I just stare at her. No words come out of my mouth. It opens and closes, but nothing. I lack the words to express what I feel at the moment.

She raises her eyebrows, “I can see that I’ve offended you… That was my intention. Gunner may be too young to understand everything but if that’s what I am thinking, then that’s what Calvin will think too. Are you sure that you haven’t settled for them because the person you wanted chose someone else?”

Sighing, I let go of the anger that has started building inside me. Now that she put it that way, I understand. Hell, if the tables were turned, I would have thought the same thing. Calvin and Ava are friends so he knows that she and Rowan are together. He knows Rowan chose Ava. What’s to stop him from thinking that the reason I am now begging for forgiveness is because Rowan didn’t want me? I’ve was hang up on him for years, what’s to stop Calvin from thinking that my change of heart is because I was rejected by Rowan?

“I am sure, Mia. I am not doing this because I am settling but because I genuinely want forgiveness and a chance at redemption. I want to be in Gunner and Calvin’s life.” I answer after a while.

“And why should I believe you?”

She had reason not to believe me. I understand. Hell, I do understand how it seems from a stranger’s point of view.

“You don’t have to believe me, but I genuinely want to be in Gunner’s life. It took losing him for me to open my eyes. It took looking into his eyes and seeing indifference when he looked at me to know I messed. I thought I wanted Rowan. I thought he was my dream, but then somewhere along the way, I realized that he was just a mirage. By the time I turned around to what is real, Gunner and Calvin also had their realization. The realization that I wasn’t worth the heartache and pain. They weren’t there anymore.”

It’s a painful reminder of how stupid I have been. How I had the best but I lost them because I was chasing a dream. I was so focused on a dream that had died a thousand deaths. It made blind to what was important.

“If you do this, you have to give it your all. You played with their hearts once; this time they won’t let you in so easily. I had to make sure not only because of you but also because there is a child involved.” She says then pauses for a while before continuing.

“I’ve seen many clients run for the next best thing when things don’t work out as they wanted. The reason I asked your motives is because I needed you to be sure yourself. Like I said, this won’t be easy. Getting their forgiveness won’t be easy. They won’t be receptive at first. If your motives are right, your determination is what will keep you going. If your motives aren’t pure, then you’ll give up on them on the first sight of trouble, and that will cause even more damage. I want you to be sure that this is what you want.”

I don’t have to think about. I’ve had two years to dwell on this. Two years to stew on it. I know what I want.

*I am sure. I want this. I want to be in Gunner’s life. I want to know my son. I want to make up for my wrong towards him and Calvin.”

A smile breaks from her lips. Her eyes light up. “That’s what I wanted to hear. I wanted you to be sure that you genuinely wanted to fight for him.”

I smile back at her as a sense of peace washes over me.